chemistry survey essay
by: Sam Ross

REMEMBER: I actually turned this in to a teacher to be graded!

First impressions are very influential when it comes to how a teacher will treat a student, so I will carefully, honestly, and tactfully write a response to each of these questions to the full extent of my writing ability. Enjoy.

1. Why are you taking this class?

   I am taking this class because Chemistry is a prerequisite to any college worth applying to. I am taking Honors Chemistry so that I have bragging rights with all my friends and so that my transcript will be nothing but a long line of Honors recommendations. Also, there's a lot more hot chicks is Honors classes than there are in normal classes.

2. List five chemicals that you eat everyday and the food that they are in.

   Too easy. Water, salt, vinegar, autolyzed yeast extract, and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. All these ingredients can be found in refried beans. On a side note, kudos to whomever edits your handout assignments. You have no idea how much it irritates me to see statements like "List five chemicals that you eat everyday and the food that they are in" end in a question mark. Minor grammar errors annoy me to no end. Many a potential bright semester has been squashed for me by a misplaced comma or a superfluous apostrophe in an initial handout worksheet. But you managed to dodge that bullet and in turn fill me with hope that there are teachers out there who can properly use English, and in turn teach it. For that, I thank you.

3. List five chemicals that you do not eat everyday and the item that one could find it in.

   Also easy. Carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, caramel color, phosphoric acid, and caffeine. All these ingredients can be found in Pepsi.

4. What kinds of expectations do you have for yourself?

   I really don't have many expectations for myself. I expect that I will go to a college or university somewhere far from my mother where I will take hard classes, write term papers for cash, and sleep with faculty members in order to beat the curve. So other than college classes, rich frat boys, and a sore butt, I really don't know what to expect from my future.

5. What do you expect from your teacher?

   I expect teachers to do enough teaching to not get fired. Other than that, everything's fair game.

6. What do you think the study of chemistry is all about?

   I think the study of chemistry is about understanding the world we live in on a molecular level and how it all works. Not to mention, it's unbelievably fun blowing up stuff in the hallway for class credit.

7. How many hours per week can I spend outside of this class preparing for quizzes, lab reports, homework, etc?

   Okay, it's time to show how I got into a college level Calculus class while still remaining a high school junior. There is 168 hours in a week. When taking into account travel time, I spend 8 hours at school 5 days a week. That leaves 128 hours. I sleep 8 hours every day. That leaves 72 hours. Soon I'll be taking TCC classes at night totaling up to with travel 8 hours a week. That leaves 64 hours. I tend to eat a lot as can be seen from my ungodly pasty thighs and that amounts up to 2 hours a day. That leaves 50 hours. I assume your are referring to your class in particular with this question, so I'll include the 2 hours a day I spend on work for other classes. That leaves 36 hours. I exercise for 1-½ hours six days a week. That leaves 27 hours. I shower every day, so that's another 7 hours every week. Don't ask. That leaves 20 hours. My mom leaves my brother and I a lot of chores every day, so that's another 2 hours daily. That leaves 6 hours. I plan on becoming a professional wrestler when I get older, so it is vital that I watch all the weekly wrestling programs totaling up to 7 hours 10 minutes. That leaves -1 hour, 10 minutes. And finally, I could not live without watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" once it starts in syndication on FX, so that's another 5 hours per week. In conclusion, by my calculations, you, Mr. Richardson, should be spending 6 hours and 10 minutes every week doing my homework. Thank you.

8. What can your teacher do to make learning chemistry more meaningful and enjoyable for you?

   Strip.

9. What kind of career aspirations do you have?

   As previously mentioned, I intend to join the fast-paced world of professional wrestling once I am finished with school.

10. Explain the difference between hypothesis, theory, and law.

    What's this? A real question hidden inside a personality survey? You're a sly one, Richardson. A hypothesis is a scientific statement made by me. A theory is a scientific statement made by someone with a Ph.D. A law is a scientific statement made by someone 150+ years ago.

I hope you enjoyed my essay and that you now have a good impression of who I am and how well I can express myself. Goodbye.

E-Mail Me!!! sam@djcopydog.com

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