The Packages
by: Tommy Skaggs

On the way to the mall, I decided to stop in at college to buy my books for the upcoming school year. I find the books quickly due to the fact that I grabbed a clerk before I even began to look. I filled out my parking information, and was standing in the long line waiting to pay for my overpriced books. To the side of the line, there were two baskets. Both were labeled “Free.” In the first basket, there were boxes with Jackie Chan on the cover with the label “Campus Trial Pak.” The other basket held clear plastic bags that were titled “College Bookstore Bonus Bag – Gift for Her.” I decided to grab the Jackie Chan box for me, and the Plastic bag for my sister. I then paid for my books then went to my car.

At the car, I decided to open my Jackie Chan box of surprises. To my astonishment, I found a large array of contents. All of these will be useful for my and my peers’ education.

  1. ”Fun Sized” Stick of Red Zone Deodorant - You gotta be smellin’ clean, sucka’. Those teachers won’t help you if you be smellin’ like dog.
  2. College for you Key ring - This is a great accessory to have to clip on your belt for easy access to your keys, so you can get home to study just a bit quicker.
  3. Simply Sleep Sleeping Pills Trial Pack - Sometimes those math problems will just be in your head for hours, once these are taken, you will be able to dream about it, and we all know answers come in dreams.
  4. AOL 7.0 1025 hours Free CD - WOW! Now I can actually get on this thing they call the Internet. And, if you already have an internet service, it is a good weapon to use on people invading your room while you try and study.
  5. DayQuil/NuQuil package - Even if I feel like I am going to puke up a lung, these little caplets will help me get the jump I need in the morning so I can not miss a day of class!
  6. Cupons - Great savings from great companies like1800Contact, CiTi, AT&T, Proactive, and home depot. Now, when I use these services, I will be able to save money for something I really could use, like a math Tutor!
  7. Trojan-ENZ Latex Condom - On the nights before tests, I like to freak out. To calm myself, I would use this with a partner.
This was the MAN Package. All items would be able to help me achieve the highest level possible! Even the Jackie Chan box could be used as a pencil box! I wondered what was in the female bag. If it was as useful as the male box, I am in! But sadly, the story is much Different for the female package. All items in this pack will discourage any advancement whatsoever! Lets get the list going.
  1. Chupa Chups Lollipop - Wow… this can be useful if you were going to seduce boys. Use this not only to distract you, but distract a boy who will want to use his condom he got in his Jackie Chan box on you.
  2. Original Spree Candy - What good is this? None! I guess it could be used as a weapon for intruders when they come into the room if you were studying, but most likely, they would just begin to eat them, and come even closer to you. Espicially if it was the same guy that you were seducing with the lollipop earlier that day that is now wearing the Jackie Chan Box Condom.
  3. 2 Packs of Trial NoDoz Long night with the guy that you were throwing Spree candy at? Try NoDoz! This will keep you up so late that you may not be getting up for class the next morning!
  4. Citrus and Ginger Scented lotion - Keep hands slippery and moist. This will eventuailly lead to numerous days of laying on the floor because of your binder slipping out of your hands.
  5. Jolly Rancher Chewy Candy- Great snack during class. There are two pieces, so you can offer one to your friend and start a conversation while the teacher is talking.
  6. Sample of Rimmel Lipstick Want to spend time in the bathroom before class and put this stuff on instead of getting that last minute of studying before the big test?
  7. A Red Dress Ink Door sign- The words are “DO NOT DISTURB! This is worth missing my exam for.” What does this mean? Reading a romance novel is more important that taking an exam? I DON’T THINK SO!
  8. CD Labeler Software and Trial Pack - Don’t know what to study but have lots of mp3 files on your computer! Why don’t you make a music cd?!!? That would be a great distraction from the fact that you are going to fail all of your classes.
  9. TRESemme Shampoo/Conditioner Trial Pack - Oh no! You woke up late again! Forget about the shower because it is finals day! WHAT? You can’t skip your shower because this is the last time you get to see that cute guy in the last row? Well, since you got this from the trial pack, you are set for being late, missing half of the exam, and failing the class. yay.
  10. Ads and Coupons - Here is some computer ads, cell phone coupons, portable music players, and cd burner equipment. You get mad and confused because you don’t know what to do with all of this since you have no AOL cd so you begin to get a bad headache. It is so bad that you don’t do your homework.
  11. Excedrin Caplets - To ease the headache that you have received from all of those coupons that should have been in the Jackie Chan box.
As you can see, the male package is far better than the female package. I have tried to come to many conclusions. The first was that Jackie Chan’s picture on a box made me laugh. Ooooh, I laughed for hours. But, then after the laughing ended I realized that the boxes was showing society’s want for males to succeed and females to fail! The production crew of these packages realized that females have gained too much power, and it is time to bring it back where it should be. . . in the male’s hands! Hahaha!

Not really. . . I just think that it was the luck of the draw! Go JACKIE! You RULE!

E-Mail Me!!! tommy@djcopydog.com

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